Hello again,
Just a quick note. In case some of you do not know… if you ever have any questions, comments or opinions that you’d like to ask me or share with our other readers, you can leave them at the bottom of the message (you’ll need to click through to the full article first!).
Recently some of you have asked for my opinions on the subject of disciplining children with autism.
This topic is very detailed and I handle this area of development very individually with each of my clients. As you can imagine there are numerous ways of dealing with situations depending upon the age, severity level and personality of the child, etc.
I think the best way of us getting this conversation started is to take a look at an email that I received requesting some advice…
Hi Monique! it is good to have you back! I am Leo’s grandma.
My relationship with Leo has developed so that he is more accepting of me, probably because I do try to play with him. But I am worried about how he should be disciplined. He gets out of control and seems to show jealousy when my daughter and I talk.
Recently his family moved. I was helping unpack. Leo was very excited. He kept running at me and hitting me hard on my back. Eventually I could not cope with the pain. I had tried catching him and saying ’no’ but this time I caught his hand and said ‘You must not hurt grandma or I will have to smack you’, I had warned him already. I gave him one smack on his hand, not hard. He stopped and just looked at me as I said ‘Now, no more running and hitting grandma.’ After that he did stop.
I thought I might have damaged our relationship but the next time I baby sat him and his sister he was perfect, then when his parents came home he got out of bed and ran madly out of control around the house staring at us as if daring us to stop him. I ignored him, but that did not help. Leo is now six and I am worried that he will become too big and strong for my tiny daughter to handle. Can you help please?”
If you have had similar experiences with your child, I can fully understand your concerns. It’s very important to address inappropriate behaviours such as hitting because they don’t just go away.
In Leo’s case it’s difficult for me to give specific advice because I have not seen him for therapy in some time. But using his case as an example, I’ll give you some more general ideas to think about that I’m sure could be relevant for many of you.
1. Understand why is the behaviour occurring
Remember that Leo is trying to communicate something. Maybe he wants to let his Grandma know something that he is not yet capable of telling her, like…
“I didn’t want to move house”
“I love the new house and I feel so excited about it that I can’t control my emotions”
“I haven’t had a lot of mummy time lately and I don’t like it when you come over and talk to her”
“Please don’t talk, I want you to play with me instead”
2. Work on more appropriate ways of communicating
Leo is expressing his communication inappropriately. So we need to help him learn how to articulate things in a more advanced way. When I used to work with Leo he responded very well to me drawing what he was thinking and feeling, to help him describe what was happening. This helped him realise that I was on his side trying to work out what is going on for him and helping him learn a different way of handling situations the next time they arose. I also know that Leo is a very visual leaner and this strength should continue to be used in his intervention.
3. Be Careful with the language you use
When talking to Leo, the conversation needs to focus on what we want him to do rather than what we don’t want him to do. The language we use must be pitched at the right level for him to understand. Again, drawings could be used to explain more complex situations that require higher level comprehension (eg: perspective sharing).
A note for Leo’s Grandma – please refer back to your DVD 7 – Learn Part 2 to refresh on these ideas!
4. Helping him move on
Often children with autism can ‘perseverate’ or get stuck on a thought (eg: hitting) and find it difficult to ‘move on’. Leo may need help getting started with another activity that he finds motivating. Remember though that the new activity needs to be equally or more motivating than the ‘hitting’ for this to work effectively.
5. Be consistent
Autistic kids often want clear structure and boundaries. So it’s very important that whenever a family member asks Leo to do something that they all expect him to follow through in the same way and similarly that any consequences (whatever they might be) are carried out in a consistent manner. This is crucial!
6. Acknowledge and deal with his emotions
When Leo experiences more challenging emotions like sadness, frustration, anger and fear it is very important that his family acknowledge these emotions and help to calm him down, because otherwise the next little incident could trigger an even bigger reaction.
7. Calm first… teach second
Whilst Leo is in ‘emotional mode’, family members should not try to teach Leo any lessons because his brain simply is not in ‘thinking mode’. Wait until he calms down before you talk through the situation when he will be in a much better space to learn.
There are MANY more ideas that I could discuss but I’m very aware that this message is getting very long! Each of these tips could be a whole page. So if anyone would like some more information on any of these suggestions please let me know and I can devote some more time to it in one of my future messages.
Best wishes
Monique Simpson
Tags: Behaviour, communication, disciplining, language skills
Thanks for the tips on discipline.
My 3.5year old laughs when I try to discipline him..almost like he has NO understanding of the difference between my different emotions/actions.
Any tips for how I can get through?
Hi Monique,
My son Brody is 3.5years old, and I’m just wondering how I can tell the difference between a meltdown and just a tantrum. I find it difficult to discipline him because I’m not exactly shore as to when I should or shouldn’t.
He is a fantastic little boy and he doesn’t have many of them,but I want him to learn what is right and wrong,and for me to know when it is appropriate.
If he hits his sister and I discipline him for that it normally turns into a meltdown so I not sure as to what to do in these cases.I want to make sure I’m doing the right thing.
It is hard because my daughter is disciplined when she does something wrong and then she sees Brody getting away with hitting.
Thanks for your time
Fiona
We have five terrific boys! Our first four were taught to obey certain rules and regulations. They have been taught for example not to take toys from each other and not to hit. Then came our fifth son who has autism! It’s been especially challenging for our fourth son who is a year and a half older than our son with autism. They are close in age. He has often asked, “Why does Joel get away with…?” This question from my other children has been very difficult to answer. We do try to hold our son with autism to the same rules as the other children but this is not always possible. Sometimes we recognize that he first needs to be brought to an organized state in order for any correction to be effective. So, sometimes that means that for the time being Joel gets away with the toy he stole or for having hit someone. We try to address his inappropriate behavior once he has come to an organized state. Joel has made huge progress in how he responds to discipline. I do remember a time when it seemed like he had no understanding of what discipline was all about. The idea of cause and consequences was very foreign to him. He definitely throw many more fits during this time of confusion over the concept of discipline. I can tell you with time, age, and consistency it will improve. There’s hope!
Adam used to Tantrum a lot.It could go for hours.Sometimes I put it down to frustration.As he did not have much speech. Adam did have an issue with sharing.In his world his toys were his and your toys were yours.
He now learning to share..Yes and the dragging me and hitting into me and head butting me took its toll. I used to put my hand in the motion of stop.Then turn my back on him .I would first ask him what do you want with voice and hand actions.We started with him pointing and now most times he can tell me.But its still a daily battle.But with much improvements.Its very hard to explain to younger kids Adams actions.
He did have a faze also people just snatched things of him and he just walked away without a fuss.I think in his mind ok it must not be mine.I’ve also noticed if I use and very serious voice when he is in trouble he will stop .
Hi,
My son 4 years old. Whenever we will asked him to take objects and day today things some time he will take it correctly, most of the time he will be confused to pick the things and takes other things.
When he will listen carefully and pick the correct things.
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Hi there.just wondering if you can help.I have an eleven year old boy with autism(high functioning).I can not get him out of bed in the mornings for school.He slleps through his alarm that wakes everyone else up and takes about half an hour to get up.I have a routine but we very rarely stick to it in the morning as by the time he is up he has to be out the door.He goes to bed at 8.30pm sometimes it takes him awhile to get to sleep.I have put him to bed eartlier but it doesnt make any difference.Please help Thankyou