People are often curious what is the ‘secret to my success’ when working with children with autism and I reply by saying… “I always work with the strengths and motivations of the children I treat.”
Working in this way is a ‘no brainer’ to me and it puzzles me why more professionals do not work in this way.
It doesn’t matter what your child is motivated by, you can always use this to build other areas of development. Let me give you an example…
Yesterday I was treating a boy that really enjoyed carrying around his plastic cup and spoon. He tended to do this a lot, and his mum Mary was frustrated because she wanted him to put down the cup and spoon and play with her.
I said to Mary “Could you please bring me another cup and spoon?”. I then started to join Matthew banging the cup and spoon together because I knew that he really enjoyed interesting sounds. Instantly, I had a beautiful connection with Matthew and we were both enjoying the interaction.
After we did this for a little while I started to tap the metal spoon on my teeth (another interesting sound for Matthew), and sure enough he started to copy this with a big smile on his face. We spent the next 20 minutes playing together, finding all the other things that created special sounds.
So we were having a lovely time, but what was Matthew learning??… Good question… and the answer is, an enormous amount, and I’ll tell you why.
Matthew has language but he only uses it to request things that he wants. This is great, but the majority of the time we also use language to comment and share our thoughts, ideas and feelings with others. How unfortunate would it be for Matthew to only use his language to request for his needs and wants in life! Mary so desperately wants him to share so much more with his language, like what he did at preschool for the day. I couldn’t agree with her more!
‘Sharing’ thoughts and ‘sharing’ emotions are prerequisites for ‘sharing’ our language. If you think about it, a 12 month old child before they start using their language effectively will share their thoughts and emotions by pointing things out, smiling, eye gazing, bringing objects to you to showing you, etc which are all foundations of sharing thoughts and ideas. When that child is ready to really start using their language, they will already have developed the skills to be able to share things like what they did in their day or to show-off when learning to ride a bike etc.
This type of ‘sharing’ is one of the core deficits in children with autism, but it is certainly possible for them to develop these skills.
Getting back to my session with Matthew…
My goal was to demonstrate to him that I am a fun play partner who is really interested in ‘sharing’ in his world and also that it’s fun and safe for him to ‘share’ in my world. So by playing with the cup and spoon and remaining very goal focused, we were in fact ‘moving mountains’!
I recommended to Mary that she have a listen to my audio recording “7 Steps to Unlocking Your Child’s Social Skills” to learn more about effective ways that she could carry out this type of therapy with Matthew.
Discovering what really makes your child ‘tick’ and joining them in their world is such a powerful technique and relevant for children right across the autism spectrum.
Just remember that by staying focused on your goals it doesn’t matter whether you are playing chasings, bubbles or engaging in some imaginary play with cars, trains and animals. All that matters is that the play is motivating and energises your child!
Best wishes
Monique Simpson
P.S: Please leave any questions or comments below
Tags: Connecting, language skills, sharing language, social skills, therapy goals
Hi Monique,
I really enjoy these emails that you send. Even though we have already learned these important things from you, it is really good to hear them again (and again in my case!)
Please don’t EVER consider a career change!!
Cheers,
Michelle
Hi Monique,
What a lovely story thank you for sharing it.
I am following Henry’s lead more and more….
Bouncing him on the bed was how I first developed his eye contact and just today his new case manager mentioned what wonderful eye contact he has :0)
I have listened to the first of your audios and really enjoyed hearing you talk about the ‘emotional connection’with your child I have experienced it and it feels amazing the first but it just keeps on getting better!
Henry is showing me what he needs everyday and I realise now how I can teach him through that so thank you.
Best Wishes
Jenny
Hi Monique! it is good to have you back! I am Leo’s grandma.
My relationship with Leo has developed so that he is more accepting of me probably because I do try to play with him. But I am worried about how he should be disiplined.He gets out of control and seems to show jealosy when my daughter and I talk.
Recently his family moved. I was helping unpack. Leo was very excited. he kept running at me and hitting me hard on my back. Eventually I could not cope with the pain inflicted I had tried catching him and saying’no’ but this time I caught his hand and said ‘you must not hurt grandma now I will have to smack you’I had warned him already. I gave him one smack on his hand- not hard.He stopped and just looked at me as I said ‘now no more running and hitting grandma.’ After that he did stop. I thought I might have damaged our relationship but when I babysat him and his sister he was perfect,then when his parents came home he got out of bed and ran madly out of control around the house staring at us as if daring us to stop him. I ignored him, but that did not help. Leo is now six and I am worried that he will become too big and strong for my tiny daughter to handle. Can you help please?
Hello Jenny I understand your concerns completely and I am anxious to hear Monique’s reply. Having grown up with an autistic brother I understand the danger that their lack of self control can bring to themselves and others. My brother once slammed a heavy metal door on my head. I have problems with my ear from that. He does these things on impulse and yes it does get more challenging as they get physically bigger and stronger than us. I do remember not liking the feelings of fear I had towards my brother. I also really hated my mothers way of handling it. I am embarrassed to say this but she would chain lock him in the basement when he was out of control. I sometimes felt like my brother was an animal and then would feel so guilty about these feelings. Now as an adult I have my own child with autism. Right now he is only five and we can control him pretty much because we are stronger than him. I do worry about the time when he will be physically stronger than us. I remember my brother being quite thin yet SO strong. I think that there is hope though. To be honest I don’t think that the whole area of discipline and the autistic child has been given enough attention. The reason for this is most likely because it’s a touchy subject even with typical children. Parents, and educators disagree on what type of discipline is proper or not. One thing is for sure children with autism need boundaries and this is what will help them to feel secure and comfortable. We have four boys ahead of our son with autism. They all have been raised with rules and regulations. They all have learned that breaking rules and regulations results in consequences. They all have also learned that it’s not an option to disobey, nor is it an option to obey in their own time. When we had our fifth son evaluated for autism one thing that she said was that she could see that our family dynamics has taken many typical autistic behaviors our of our son. When evaluating our son in his home environment she was able to observe the interaction between siblings. She was able to see that our son has observed from birth that their are boundaries. When our son with autism tries to test those boundaries when ever possible we try to hold him to the same expectations as his brothers. There are exceptions at times because of his autism. Sometimes it becomes evident to us that he is not making the connection or is too out of control to understand the consequence. Often times when we see that a melt down in coming on my husband will take him aside and talk calmly too him and try to work out a solution. Sometimes when he is just overwhelmed and acting badly I just need to hold him tight for awhile. We keep our rules posted in the boys room in an easy to understand chart. We also have corresponded premeditated consequences for each rule if broken. We try to make the punishment fit the crime. We do spank as well when out right rebellion has taken place. We always spank in a calm manner, with no anger. Our children have responded well to this.
I hope this helps a bit and I would love to here Monique’s thoughts as well.
Hi Jenny,
Thanks so much for your email. Your issue of discipline with Leo is certainly something that comes up regularly in my sessions with families. So in my next week’s blog I am going to address this issue because I think many families may benefit from some input on this topic. Responding to this issue is not a quick response and I want to pay it the attention that it deserves. Thanks for raising it. Stay tuned!
Thankyou also to Tami for your great input. It is wonderful that you spend the time sharing you
Hi Monique
I’ve an 12 year old autistic Son Sahib.He stopped talking or saying the words he used to at 5 years of age.Now no language but some sounds are left.As you said your next mail will be about dicipline,like all others I am looking forward to it aswell.Sahib is obsessed with holepunctures all heavy duty ones. He carries them everywhare just like a teddybare,takes one to school,goes in bath ,bed ,toilet just about everyware.He,s very carefull with them when he puts one on the floor but there are times one he is very hyper,out of control starts hitting and throwing things then he does through it on the floor very roughly and it can be dangerous for others so normaly at school they take it away from him which makes him do even worse acts like weeing everyware. Idont know what goes wrong after every four weeks of calmness and a beautiful attentive ,good listner boy turns in to a monster for next 7 to 10 days.during that he doesn’t sleep,even the strong drugs will fail to put him to sleep.He hits, wees ,takes all his clothes off,puts his four fingers down his throat and gaggles some time even vomit.And then one morning after 7-8 days he,ll wake up like a saint all normal and calm.Is it behaviour or I should consult a psyciatrist? Pediatricians and neaurologist has tried many drugs including one for panic attack.Now Even when he is normal, takes his clothes of at home ,no matter how many times i put them back on him.I’ve a doughter growing up soon she is 8 yars old and hates him naked.Can you give me any suggestions what to do.Weeing and Taking clothes of is a huge problem at the moment. Please help!
I just couldn’t resist replying to the last post. I want to show sympathy for what you are going through. Let me share with you a recent email from my mother. I shared with her my experience at the doctor’s office for vaccinations for my son with autism. My experience was difficult but nothing compared to what my mom went through. I think the big difference is that my brother who has autism can only request certain foods where as my son can communicate. I am able to talk with him and comfort him in this way. He is able to communicate feelings. He didn’t talk at all until 4 (when I got Monique’s DVD program). After three months of addressing sensory issues and ‘waking up’ oral muscles he started talking. We too experience a rollercoaster affect as you have described. Because our son can talk we usually find the root of the problem. Because pain can be sensed more intensely in children with autism it causes great aggression as a coping mechanism. Joel has fighting me at bed time even though I know he is exhausted. He also is refusing to eat and over all a little monster. Because Joel can communicate he was able to let us know that his tooth (a molar) was hurting him. I would NEVER have guessed this! I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be for children with autism who are non verbal. When we go onto a playground Joel can tell me he feels shy. That’s the way he expresses his social anxiety. He uses body language as well and just buries his face into me. I have to ‘force’ him to play at the playground which we are working on. What child doesn’t like to play on swings and go down slides? Well we know the answer to that. Now I will share my mother’s story.
Back in 1973
“I remember the long time I waited for Tim to be called in for all his appointments and I remember wishing I was invisible because Tim would grab anyone’s purse thinking there would be chewing gum in it. They’d think he was trying to take their money. I gave up bringing chewing gum as a reward for him because he’d always swallow it. By the time we’d get called in he’d destroyed the waiting room each time by shouting “NO!” and turning over tables and throwing anything that he could while hitting some of the patrons with objects flying through the air. Then while finally in the examining room he’d be rolling on the floor then turning the door knob repeatedly to get out. When the doctor would finally come in he’d ask me all kinds of questions that I could barely hear because Tim would be yelling. One doctor nearly got knocked unconsious because Tim’s head smashed into the doctor’s nose. When we took Tim to one hospital to be evaluated and they threw up their hands and told us to take Tim to another hospital because they were so frustrated and back then very little was known about autism.”
Great post, but its a bit long and most people like short and sweet posts!